So I often get asked by people of religious faith what motivates me to be gay. It's not a simple answer.
Having grown up LDS I always thought that being gay was immoral and that it was a choice. The latter of those just simply isn't true. You can have your own opinion on the former.
I remember having feelings of attraction toward the men from a very young age. Around 8 or 9 years of age I remember having a rush whenever I would see an attractive man (or boy), something I didn't get from women (well, maybe once or twice over the years). I was once watching an episode of Lois and Clark: The new adventures of Superman and remarking on how attractive Dean Cain, who played the role of superman, was. I was chided for stating such a thing. As a boy I wasn't supposed to say that sort of thing about other boys. I guess it had never entered into my mind before then that it was wrong to think boys were attractive. So began my time in the closet.
Over the years I continued to feel attraction to boys and on the odd occasion I had a small interest in a member of the opposite sex, but it was never as intense as was the interest in boys. I would find myself chastising myself for having these feelings but I was unable to control them. I developed crushes on my classmates and didn't know how to act around them. I was bullied for being effeminate, though I don't fully recollect what in particular made me seem that way. Guys would call me gay and I didn't really understand what that meant, but they actually seemed to know better than I did myself.
When I actually came to understand what it meant to be gay I denied any accuracy in the remarks of my peers. I couldn't be gay because God said it was immoral and God wouldn't make me that way. I knew God disapproved of immorality, including homosexuality, because that's what the church leaders told me and I felt that confirmed to me by his Spirit.
I continued on in that mode of thinking for 10-15 years; suppressing any feelings of attraction towards other guys and believing that it was just a phase. When I couldn't control the feelings I would mentally beat myself up. I tried everything to cure myself of this affliction. I fasted. I prayed. I went to church every week. I took the sacrament. I read my scriptures every single day for years on end. I sought help from Priesthood leaders and from trained counsellors. I did everything I was supposed to. Still the feelings never went away and I felt I would never be able to be normal. Over the years I gave up hope and started self harming and tried to kill myself on multiple occasions.
Eventually, I realised that these feelings could not be taken away from me and I would have to learn to live with them. I spoke to someone outside the church who helped me to accept myself. I didn't have a choice in the matter. Studies show that Sexual Orientation Change Efforts (SOCE) are rarely effective and are actually quite harmful. For this reason many countries and states have banned the use of such therapies.
I learnt to accept the fact that I am gay (or at the time SSA - Same Sex Attracted). I could still be LDS and gay as long as I didn't act on it. In 2012, I finally came out to my parents. They were quite shocked and didn't really understand at first. In 2013, I came out publicly in a Facebook post. I tried to live as a celibate, gay, mormon man for a time. I struggled with it as I went through the grieving process. I had lost the hope of one day marrying a woman and having children. Eventually I decided that it still wasn't right for me to be celibate. I wanted connection with someone and if I couldn't have that with a woman maybe I could have it with a man. I wasn't sure it would work. Everything I had been taught was that gay couples were non-monogamous and consumed in their lusts. I was told that the path of a gay relationship would lead to misery. The church had got gay issues so wrong in the past though that I decided I needed to try for myself. Maybe I could make it work. Maybe it was what God had planned for me. Maybe it was just like the way the church had gotten it wrong with black people and the priesthood.
I started experimenting and went on dates. I met someone and I fell in love. I experienced emotions I had never felt before and I was so happy! How could this be wrong? How could God expect me to deny this part of myself?
I was torn up inside. I loved my church but I felt betrayed. I stopped going and I decided to fast and pray about what to do. I came to the decision that I should leave the church and pursue a gay relationship and I prayed to God to confirm that this was the right decision.
After fasting I knelt down and began to pray. I asked if it was ok for me to leave the church and to seek a relationship. As I did a feeling of comfort and warmth enveloped me. This was my answer. God approved.
After that I didn't feel guilty for disobeying church teachings. I knew God approved and I knew it felt right. The relationship I was in at the time ended and I moved on.
I was curious about what all this meant. How could God give me different messages at different times in my life? I started to doubt that what I had felt was actually from God. But what else could it be? My questions led me to the field of Psychology and I have since come to believe that all those experiences I had were just my mind playing tricks on me. I wanted it to be true and so I made it true.
I don't know what caused me to be gay. Maybe I was born that way. Maybe it was something about my upbringing. Nobody is entirely sure what makes someone gay. Maybe there are multiple causes. No matter the cause I didn't choose to be gay, but I admit I chose to seek after relationships. I don't deny that but it wasn't much of a choice to be honest. It's unhealthy to be celibate all your life. Even the bible says that man was not meant to be alone. I am happy in my life now, something I was unable to be whilst I was suppressing my attractions.
