Turn the other cheek? p2

For many years I have talked down about those who are gay. I have probably said some things that were very rude and have definitely said some things that were bigoted and untrue.

Yet every time I said these things I knew I was also talking about myself.

I believed that I deserved punishment. I believed that there was nobody to help me but myself.

Yet now I look back and I realise the error of my ways. I realise that I needed help that I never received. I should not have been treated the way I was.

So now I'm facing a situation where I am grappling with these same feelings. I feel that I need to defend myself and others from this. In particular I feel a strong desire to reach out to those individuals who feel this way about themselves. Yet I'm hindered at every turn.

I still feel inclined to turn the other cheek and just let it be, but I can't do it anymore.

At the start of this year I attended a fireside which Elder Oaks spoke at. I agreed with most of what he had to say. 

Then he started to talk about same gender attraction. I appreciated that he spoke of the reality of it. There are still many people in this world who think that it is a choice; that we choose to be attracted to the same sex!?

So some of what he said may have been good for helping people to understand that it is a real struggle to deal with.

However, he then went on to say that it was something that should not be discussed with anyone but your priesthood leaders.

This really frustrated me!

This was only a month or so after I declared that I am attracted to the same sex so I felt like he was telling me I had done the wrong thing

If I didn't do that I feel like I wouldn't be here now and here he was saying that it's the wrong thing to do. I felt like he was telling me it's better for me to risk suicide than come out.

I decided to let it sit for a while as I needed time to digest what he said before trying to confront it.

The reason I came out was that I felt I was living a lie. It is a part of who I am and I had to lie in order to keep it secret. It ate me up inside being so dishonest with those around me. I couldn't get close to anyone because I couldn't be truthful.

How many times did people ask me if I have a girlfriend? Or asked me which girls I liked, or any other number of questions that I had to be untruthful to answer.

It was so bad that I tried to kill myself. I thought it was better to die than to admit that I am gay.

After a few days recovering in hospital and a cover story later I was back to life as normal. The experience was enough to keep me from attempting to take my life again for some time.

But the time came again when I was so frustrated with the lies and secrets that I again wanted to die. Fortunately I had enough sense this time and each of the subsequent times to get the help I needed before I actually did anything stupid. 

But these suicidal feelings kept coming back. I realised I had to tell someone other than priesthood leaders the real reason why I was suicidal.

And that was when my life changed. That was when I suddenly saw hope. 

From that point I started to receive the help I actually needed.

I don't wish to offend anyone, but most priesthood leaders don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dealing with same sex attraction and telling SSA/Gay members that we should only speak to our priesthood leaders about it is dangerous.

I can't stress that enough.

It is dangerous for someone who is suicidal to only seek help from a leader who is untrained in how to deal with it and if anyone who reads this is dealing with suicidal feelings I strongly urge you to seek professional help.

I've talked with many SSA/gay Mormons (and non Mormons) and suicide is a very real issue in many of their lives. We've come a long way to making things better, but the past has not been undone.

For a time I tried to get in contact with Elder Oaks as I wanted to let him know what my feelings on the matter were. But I came up against closed doors. Eventually I gave up and I've had conflicting feelings about it since.

Then after general conference last month I started to feel very frustrated with the lack of support from church leaders.

There is so much talk of homosexuality in the church and such a small amount of that is to actually help and support those who experience it.

The church created a website, mormonsandgays.org last year which talks about how we as members of the church should love those who identify as gay or SSA. Yet the website is rarely publicised and the way Elder Oaks and others talk about same sex marriage in conference and omit any discussion of the struggles faced by those who are gay/SSA leaves a lot to be asked for.

So many of us need love and respect and all we hear is that same sex marriage is contrary to God's laws. Where is the love? Are we expected to just keep turning the other cheek?

It's not that I want to whine about it. I just don't know how else to defend myself and affect change. 

I'm trying to stand against those things which are not right in a way that is respectful, but when I'm told that things are ok the way they are I get frustrated. I want to see a change. I don't want to see others endure misguided advice.