Follow up to 'Turn the other cheek?'

The church's policy on homosexual behaviour is one that I don't wish to mess with. The church has the right to choose how they deal with the actions of members. 

I also think it's important to do what you believe and as such believing members of the church should definitely be trying to live according to their beliefs. 

If someone chooses for themselves to have a same sex relationship because they feel that it's the right thing to do, power to them; on the other hand, if someone chooses not to express those feelings and to be celibate or have a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) because of their beliefs, that's cool too.

But that is something for each person to decide for themselves. If they break the law of chastity, as a member of the church, they should be subject to church discipline.

But let's face facts, there is no 'cure' for same sex attraction. There are only ways to live with it. Good or bad, I'm not going to judge the individual who chooses for themselves to live according to what they feel is right, according to the dictates of their own conscience.

Some people have increased their heterosexual attractions through certain activities and therapies but most don't experience any change. It's something we experience every day and forcing us to keep it secret only increases the shame we feel. 

If (as the church now teaches) the feelings themselves aren't considered to be a sin why does the church encourage us to keep them secret? Especially when this leads to additional shame and suicidal tendencies.

Revealing that I am attracted to the same sex relieved the shame I felt for it and gave me the strength to overcome my suicidal tendencies. But it took a lot of courage to defy what I was told by general leaders.

Over the past few months, since publishing 'Turn the Other Cheek' part 1 & 2, I have talked with a number of people and read comments defending what Elder Oaks said. I can in no way defend what he said. I believe he is a good man that doesn't know enough about the subject.

I'm not trying to change the doctrine regarding homosexuality. It is what it is. But the advice to keep it secret is just that. Advice. And it is bad advice. It is dangerous.

I realise that revealing your sexual orientation can also be dangerous. Doing so made me vulnerable, but I was ready for that.

I knew there was a chance some people would reject me. There are plenty of examples of children being rejected, disowned and kicked out of home for revealing their sexual orientation, but once old enough to fend for yourself isn't that better than a life of secrecy and dishonesty.

I'd much rather deal with rejection from others than from myself. The lies eat you up inside and stop you from making meaningful connections. What's the point in living if that life is just a facade and a lie?

"I can't imagine any sadder way to die than with a feeling that I never showed up in this world as my true self. 

But I can't imagine any more satisfying way to go out than to be able to say [that] to the best of my ability... I was there as who I am..."

Parker J Palmer

The change I want to see is in the way the church treats those who experience same sex attraction and in the process save lives.

Rather than telling those who are attracted to the same sex to keep it secret why not tell everyone else to be more Christ-like and love their friends and family regardless of their sexual orientation. Wouldn't that be the right thing to do?

Turn the other cheek? p2

For many years I have talked down about those who are gay. I have probably said some things that were very rude and have definitely said some things that were bigoted and untrue.

Yet every time I said these things I knew I was also talking about myself.

I believed that I deserved punishment. I believed that there was nobody to help me but myself.

Yet now I look back and I realise the error of my ways. I realise that I needed help that I never received. I should not have been treated the way I was.

So now I'm facing a situation where I am grappling with these same feelings. I feel that I need to defend myself and others from this. In particular I feel a strong desire to reach out to those individuals who feel this way about themselves. Yet I'm hindered at every turn.

I still feel inclined to turn the other cheek and just let it be, but I can't do it anymore.

At the start of this year I attended a fireside which Elder Oaks spoke at. I agreed with most of what he had to say. 

Then he started to talk about same gender attraction. I appreciated that he spoke of the reality of it. There are still many people in this world who think that it is a choice; that we choose to be attracted to the same sex!?

So some of what he said may have been good for helping people to understand that it is a real struggle to deal with.

However, he then went on to say that it was something that should not be discussed with anyone but your priesthood leaders.

This really frustrated me!

This was only a month or so after I declared that I am attracted to the same sex so I felt like he was telling me I had done the wrong thing

If I didn't do that I feel like I wouldn't be here now and here he was saying that it's the wrong thing to do. I felt like he was telling me it's better for me to risk suicide than come out.

I decided to let it sit for a while as I needed time to digest what he said before trying to confront it.

The reason I came out was that I felt I was living a lie. It is a part of who I am and I had to lie in order to keep it secret. It ate me up inside being so dishonest with those around me. I couldn't get close to anyone because I couldn't be truthful.

How many times did people ask me if I have a girlfriend? Or asked me which girls I liked, or any other number of questions that I had to be untruthful to answer.

It was so bad that I tried to kill myself. I thought it was better to die than to admit that I am gay.

After a few days recovering in hospital and a cover story later I was back to life as normal. The experience was enough to keep me from attempting to take my life again for some time.

But the time came again when I was so frustrated with the lies and secrets that I again wanted to die. Fortunately I had enough sense this time and each of the subsequent times to get the help I needed before I actually did anything stupid. 

But these suicidal feelings kept coming back. I realised I had to tell someone other than priesthood leaders the real reason why I was suicidal.

And that was when my life changed. That was when I suddenly saw hope. 

From that point I started to receive the help I actually needed.

I don't wish to offend anyone, but most priesthood leaders don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dealing with same sex attraction and telling SSA/Gay members that we should only speak to our priesthood leaders about it is dangerous.

I can't stress that enough.

It is dangerous for someone who is suicidal to only seek help from a leader who is untrained in how to deal with it and if anyone who reads this is dealing with suicidal feelings I strongly urge you to seek professional help.

I've talked with many SSA/gay Mormons (and non Mormons) and suicide is a very real issue in many of their lives. We've come a long way to making things better, but the past has not been undone.

For a time I tried to get in contact with Elder Oaks as I wanted to let him know what my feelings on the matter were. But I came up against closed doors. Eventually I gave up and I've had conflicting feelings about it since.

Then after general conference last month I started to feel very frustrated with the lack of support from church leaders.

There is so much talk of homosexuality in the church and such a small amount of that is to actually help and support those who experience it.

The church created a website, mormonsandgays.org last year which talks about how we as members of the church should love those who identify as gay or SSA. Yet the website is rarely publicised and the way Elder Oaks and others talk about same sex marriage in conference and omit any discussion of the struggles faced by those who are gay/SSA leaves a lot to be asked for.

So many of us need love and respect and all we hear is that same sex marriage is contrary to God's laws. Where is the love? Are we expected to just keep turning the other cheek?

It's not that I want to whine about it. I just don't know how else to defend myself and affect change. 

I'm trying to stand against those things which are not right in a way that is respectful, but when I'm told that things are ok the way they are I get frustrated. I want to see a change. I don't want to see others endure misguided advice.

Terminology

For some time now I've been thinking that I want to do something more to reach out and help others to understand SSA. A couple of months back I decided to try writing a blog. I don't really like this medium because I don't really know who my audience is and I therefore have trouble catering to them. But it seems to be the best avenue for me to take.

So, over the past six months I've fielded a lot of questions regarding Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and how I deal with that as a member of the LDS Church. I've also encountered people who would like to convince me that life on the other side is better. I have had to do a lot of research and have pondered about a lot of things.

To start this off I don't want to get into any of the heavy stuff. I'd rather begin with some of the basics, the first of which is terminology. I hope that this will help people to understand some of the ambiguity that comes with labels. 

In doing this I will also deal with some of the lightly controversial points that relate, and will even delve a little into the abyss of inappropriate and insulting terms and how I feel about them.

SSA - Same Sex Attraction/Attracted

This is probably the most fundamental term used. It refers to an attraction to the same sex. This label is for the feeling and/or the person. It can cover the whole spectrum of attraction for those who self identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual and even many who identify as straight.

SGA - Same Gender Attraction

A lot of LDS members use this term because it is used by leaders. I personally don't like the term. The reason for my dislike is that gender is not as clearly defined as sex. Gender refers to a social construct, an identity which may or may not be congruous with biological sex (the sex that someone was born as). As such, to say that someone is attracted to the same gender leaves a level of ambiguity as to whether the reference is to the social definition or the biological.

LGBT(Q) - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual (or transgender) & Questioning

This is a fairly common term. It is used in a variety of forums to describe the community who self identify as belonging to it. Many have differing opinions as to who belongs to the community, usually based on their own definitions of the terms lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual or transgender and questioning. As the terms used are self labels, the community is quite subjective as to whom it includes. Someone who identifies as SSA may not identify as LGBTQ and someone who considers themselves a part of the community may not be accepted as such.

Many forums omit the category of questioning. It can also be expanded to LGBTQIA and include Intersex and Asexual.

Lesbian

A self identifying term referring to a female who is sexually attracted solely or mainly to females. It is widely accepted but not necessarily always correct that those who identify as lesbian have sexual relationships with other females. Some who identify as lesbian may choose to be celibate or have mixed orientation relationships.

Some who identify as lesbian have sexual interaction with males as well as females.

Gay

Similar to lesbian. A self identifying term usually referring to a male who is attracted solely or mainly to males. A lesbian or a female attracted to other females may also self identify as gay.

It is widely accepted but not necessarily always correct that those who identify as gay have sexual relationships with other males. Some who identify as gay may choose to be celibate or have mixed orientation relationships.

Some who identify as gay have sexual interaction with females as well as males.

Bisexual

The definition of bisexual is often ambiguous. In essence it refers to someone who is sexually attracted to those of both sexes. Similar to the terms of lesbian and gay, bisexual is a self determined label. This creates a lot of ambiguity as most people experience sexual attraction to both sexes to different degrees.

What one person would call bisexuality another may call straight, gay or lesbian.

As a general rule though if someone describes themselves as 50/50 or 60/40 in their attractions I would personally categorise them as bisexual.

Transsexuality is a bit of a foreign subject for me, although I have researched it quite a bit, and I apologise if I get anything wrong. I would love to hear from anyone who can further enlighten me on the subject.

Transsexual

A term for those who experience a strong desire to assume the physical characteristics and/or gender roles of the opposite biological sex (sex at time of birth).

Transgender

Similar to transsexual, but referring more to gender roles than physical characteristics.

Questioning

Someone who is questioning is usually unsure of their sexual orientation or gender identity. This is usually a stage in self identifying.

Intersex

Someone who is born with an ambiguous sex. For a number of different reasons the 'parts' of a child may not fully develop as male or female whilst in the womb, making it hard to determine which they actually are.

Asexual

Someone with little or no sex drive, therefore having no interest in either males or females.

MOM - Mixed Orientation Marriage

A heterosexual marriage in which one or both spouses are same sex attracted.

MOR - Mixed Orientation Relationship

A heterosexual relationship where one or both partners are same sex attracted.

TIGI - Transgender/Transexual, Intersex, Gender Identity

An encompassing term for all who experience gender issues.

First of all...

The following is a post I made on Facebook on the 24th February 2013. I had finally decided to come out and this is how I did it:

"I hope that if you read this you read the whole thing. But be warned that it may make some people feel uncomfortable.
I have been considering this for a long time and have finally come to the decision that I want to let people in on one of my private struggles in the hope that it will be of help to others, both those who are in a similar position to me and those who are trying to help.
So I'll just 'come out' and say it. I am what many would call 'gay' or 'same gender attracted'.
The first thing I want everyone to understand is that I never chose to be this way.
I grew up in a typical Mormon family. We read our scriptures and prayed as a family (although not all the time, it was regular enough). We attended church meetings and fulfilled church callings. But from a young age I experienced a curiosity about boys whilst not having much of a curiosity about girls. As I grew, that turned into attraction. I always brushed it aside and assumed that it was quite common and that at some future point I would suddenly find myself attracted to girls, that it must be the same for everyone. But it never happened. I never gained an attraction to women, yet my attraction to men continued to grow.
This was a very real concern for me as I believed that to even feel attracted to the same sex was a major sin and that I was evil and disgusting for feeling so.
For most of my life I have suffered in silence and assumed that I had somehow chosen to be gay. But I didn't have any idea how I had chosen that. So I wondered whether I had done something truly terrible and therefore been cursed with an attraction to men.
I thought in that case that if I was righteous enough and did everything I was supposed to do (or that God expected me to do) that God would take it away from me.
This didn't help things but rather caused me to feel unworthy of love because I was never able to be righteous enough to overcome and I felt that if God didn't love me enough to take it away how could anyone else love me?
I had many days where I cried silently behind closed doors because of it and prayed for God to take it away from me. But He never did.
And I never told anyone for fear that they would reject me.
When I served a mission I felt even more unworthy because I held it secret in an environment that required a lot of honesty. Yet I served a mission because I had a strong belief in the gospel and wanted to share it so that others could also experience the good things of it. Notwithstanding my struggles I did still have times of upliftment where I was strengthened by my beliefs and found that it gave me strength to carry on when I otherwise would have given up.
Meanwhile I felt sure that if I revealed my secret to anyone that I would be sent home immediately. I spiralled downward on my mission suffering from depression and anxiety to the point where I wanted to die and resorted to self harming practises to numb my mind. I would have panic attacks and couldn't tell anyone why. I was also quite sensitive to any critical remarks made against me.
Yet I still had great experiences and learnt much.
It was toward the end of my mission that I was introduced to a new concept. My companion was reading the October 2007 issue of the Ensign and had read an article on same gender attraction by Elder Jeffrey R Holland. A particular portion stood out to me:

"...same-gender attraction is not a sin, but acting on those feelings is—just as it would be with heterosexual feelings.” (Oct. 2007 Ensign, Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction, Jeffrey R. Holland)

This caught my attention and I began to see hope. I still kept my attraction secret for fear of rejection but I had hope and thought that maybe God did love me.
My self harming behaviours diminished and to a degree so did my depression and anxiety. I thought that if I only avoided any homosexual behaviours I might be ok. But I still clung to the false hope that the feelings would go away. I should have sought help then but was kept from doing so by fear.
I came home from my mission and things were good for a time but I couldn't shake the feelings. I tried to date but never felt any real attraction. I could tell when a girl was attractive but never really felt any attraction.
I sought help from leaders who were not judgmental but couldn't fully help me because they didn't entirely understand (not for lack of trying but simply because there was a sparsity of quality information available).
I suffered in silence for years and wouldn't tell anyone close to me because I still saw it as a defect that people would reject me for having. As I tried to form relationships and failed and saw that I didn't fit into the mould of the typical Mormon I became depressed and anxious once more and was hospitalised on several occasions due to suicide attempts and feeling strong desires to end my life. I could not see how I could ever live with same sex attractions when so many seemed to be so hostile to anyone who was gay. And I still clung to the belief that I could change and that I just wasn't doing things right.
Then last year I came across two books, one entitled 'In Quiet Desperation' and the other 'Voices of Hope' both co authored by Ty Mansfield an LDS man who has experienced same sex attraction.
Although I can't include the stories here I would suggest that these books would help anyone trying to understand these issues. They offered great insights for me and they helped me to see that I might never change and to accept that this did not mean I was evil.
This was still a big blow to me and I grieved that I might never be free from same sex attraction and might never get married. But at the same time it gave me hope that I could still have a fulfilling life despite my attractions.
It was then that I realised I needed to be open about how I felt and tell people of my struggles.
I also realised that my story could help others who are dealing with these issues.
So I started telling my family. I can't say I received the most amazing reception but my parents expressed their love for me and wanted to help me and that was all that I could've hoped for.
For me what I needed was my parents' love, support and understanding. I received their love and some degree of support but it's been a hard road trying to be understood and its getting better.
So it is that I write this. I want people to understand what it is like to be a gay Mormon in hopes that understanding will lead to less heartache and troubles for others.
I really hope that those who struggle with these feelings will seek support as they need it.
Not everyone will feel the same as me. What works for me might not work for someone else. I don't know their circumstances and it is not my place to judge. I just hope that we can foster an environment where people feel comfortable enough to express their minds and seek help.
The path I am on is not the easiest. I don't know what the future holds for me or how other will react to me 'coming out'. All I know is that God loves me despite my attractions. I hope that Christians all over may learn to love as He does and not judge harshly those who deal with same gender attraction.
I can't say where I will be in 5 or 10 years time. 10 years ago I thought that by now this part of my life would be resolved and that I would be happily married with kids.
But that didn't eventuate.
I'm now focusing on being the best person that I can be. I don't want my attractions to be the sole defining part of my life but rather to just be an acceptable part of the whole that makes up me.
The path that I currently choose is to remain single as I believe that there is a lot more to life than just being in a relationship. I don't think my life should revolve around trying to be one way or the other but rather on trying to continually be better.
This might not be the path that everyone chooses and encourage people not to judge harshly those who choose different paths. Not everyone believes as I do or understands in the same way as I do.
For anyone who wants to help me or anyone like me, the best thing you can do is be a friend regardless of anything else and encourage without being pushy or overbearing.
To anyone who is in a similar situation I would encourage you to be honest and don't shut people out; and seek help as you feel necessary. I have found that when people understand what it's like they can be very accepting (often more so than you are of yourself) and offer support. And I hope that this post will encourage understanding and make it easier for you to be honest about what you are going through."

A bit about me

My name is Matt. I am Australian. I grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, meaning that I am a Mormon. I am also gay or, as people in the church tend to refer to it, same sex attracted (SSA) or same gender attracted (SGA). I really dislike the term SGA as it doesn't mean what most people think it does (take a look at my blog post on terminology)
I've started this blog because I want to help others (gay, straight, bisexual, questioning, Mormon or non mormon) to understand. I also want particularly to be of encouragement to anyone else who is Mormon and SSA as we face unique challenges which many people do not fully understand.
I don't want to force my beliefs onto anyone else but would rather like to express myself so that others understand the joys and struggles faced by those who are both mormon and attracted to the same sex.
So welcome!