But there are a lot of things going through my head. I know I'm not alone in how I feel, but I think it's about time I spoke up.
The main point I want to make is in Part 2. So if you don't feel like reading through this whole post (I know it's long) just skip to that.
I've always been LDS. I was born into it. From a young age I remember feeling like an outcast in every avenue of life. At school I was not liked, and was bullied from as early as I can remember. At church I was picked on too. Home was a relatively safe place. I would spend my days in the backyard - away from other people.
In church I remember being taught about 'turning the other cheek'.
The way it goes, is that if someone smites (hits) you on the cheek rather than retaliating you turn the other cheek for them to smite that cheek also. It's supposed to calm them down when they realise you aren't going to fight back, I guess.
For me, I learnt this lesson the wrong way, as I'll explain in the two stories below. But I just want to explain that these experiences have been so engrained in me that now as I try to change the way I look at myself and the world I find it hard (not impossible, it just goes against my natural inclinations) to trust those who were supposed to help but kept punishing me for trying to stick up for myself.
And I don't want sympathy votes. I just want understanding and to illustrate my point.
So, I remember fighting back against bullies a couple of times when I was young. I believe I was in second grade at the time of this particular occasion.
It all started because I was trying to fit in.
The weather was very wet that day.
I was hoping it would flood and I'd be able to stay home from school. It didn't.
Before school, I, with a bunch of other guys, decided to go running around the school ovals in the rain. I was not a part of their group, but I didn't have any friends in school at that point, so I thought it'd be cool to hang out with them (maybe I could be friends with them) and it was something I wanted to do anyway.
Well... we got absolutely drenched from head to toe and ended up getting in trouble for it.
We had to get changed into dry clothes from the admin lockers.
I was quite nonplussed at this point; didn't really say much and just went along with it all. There were no more uniforms in the locker so one of the other guys wanted to trade the formal uniform he grabbed from the locker with the normal one I had. I had no issues with the formal uniforms, though he did.
So I agreed... Then, after trading, I realised it was a girls uniform...
I wanted to trade back but I couldn't. The other kid wouldn't have a bar of it and he was, I don't know, bigger? Tougher? Something was formidable about him. Maybe it was just that the others were on his side.
So I had to just go with it. What else could I do?
As the day went by I was picked on for wearing a girls uniform. It was hell. I avoided any opportunity for others to heckle me.
Then there was this kid from the year below me who started giving a hard time too. He was standing on the opposite side of a big puddle of muddy water and the opportunity was just too perfect so I kicked the water at him and when he got mad and sought a teacher's attention I took off.
Unfortunately, she (the teacher) tracked me down.
She gave me a timeout/detention (whatever you call it) and I had to sit by the port racks for the whole of lunch break.
This made life even worse. It was a well travelled path & people kept making fun of me as they walked past.
I couldn't even get away from them because the teacher kept checking to make sure I was still there.
The other kid didn't get in trouble at all.
Naturally with my child's mind I assumed that I was completely in the wrong. I should have 'turned the other cheek'. I deserved the punishment because I didn't turn the other cheek and the bullying was deserved for doing something as stupid as running in the rain.
I realise this logic is flawed but it still sticks with me to this day and my natural reaction is to turn the other cheek even when I should defend myself and I tend to believe that I deserve the treatment I receive/d.
I had a very similar experience in the primary program at church too, further compounding my issues.
It was during Sunday school one day and for some reason I don't remember the other kids were throwing balls of paper at me. I ignored them for a long time as this had become my self preservation method (this sort of thing happened a lot), but eventually I ended up throwing the balls back at them, escalating the situation. It was all happening while our teacher was trying to teach and getting increasingly frustrated by our behaviour. In the end she walked out of the classroom and left us there on our own.
My mother (the primary president at the time) came in a few minutes later and got mad at us all for being rude and told us that we had made the teacher cry. She got especially mad at me (not that she knew what was going on)
So again this made me think that I should have turned the other cheek and just let them treat me like crap. I got this mentality that I deserved what I got and that nobody would help me get through it.
So I don't really know what to say but that I'm still trying to deal with this.
It's come to a head again recently and these feelings create conflict inside me as to what I should do.
